An Apology

I am sorry I hurt you.

I am sorry I wasn’t better. And, I’m sorry I couldn’t be what you needed.

I was still struggling to find myself.

Feeling, from the time I was old enough to remember, that I was not quite accepted, perhaps unworthy, really did a number on me. I felt pressured to shut myself up. To grin and bear it. I was told I needed to be strong, impervious to pain, and to shield myself from hurt.

But that merely caused the wounds to fester.

“At the core, I have always been sensitive, caring and protective. I just didn’t know how to live in this truth. I had never been shown.”

In a vain attempt to meet the expectations placed on me, I became someone I did not recognize. A version of me that haunts my dreams. A tool.

But I was never that person. Not deep down.

At the core, I have always been sensitive, caring and protective. I just didn’t know how to live in this truth. I had never been shown. So, for a long time, I simply went through the motions. But I was not being true to myself.

And, I was no good the way I was.

The realization shattered me. All I’d ever wanted was time. For you to believe in me. To love me, as I am.

Instead, you showed me my weakness, made me peel back the layers, brought me face-to-face with all that ugliness I had shut inside. You made me ask in earnest: am I who I wish to be? Am I being myself, or simply acting?

For this, I suppose, I should thank you. And, humbly ask forgiveness.

If there is any doubt, I wish for you to know that I feel great remorse for what I put you through. And, since we parted ways, I’ve done my best to get beneath the surface. Learning, and healing, so we might not repeat the past.

For me, it is a daily, even momentary, process.

What I’ve come to realize is this: our experiences cause us to approach the world in different ways. At least I know, now, that this is not a weakness. In fact, difference can be a source of strength! Just wish I’d been able to recognize it sooner.

“Might you be willing to reserve judgement? To let me show you who I am, and who I am becoming? To prove that this time will be different?”

Let me be clear: I am not asking to be as we once were.

No.

All I wish is that we might afford each other the freedom to live in our power and peace.

I understand it may be difficult for you to trust me, so I do not ask for your trust. I only ask for your patience. Might you be willing to reserve judgement? To let me show you who I am, and who I am becoming? To prove that this time will be different?

Of course,

whether or not you are willing is up to you.

with all my best,

JABRIL

p.s. — if you are open, i’d welcome a conversation. appreciate your consideration, and hope to hear from you in good time.

This piece was originally published Aug. 4, 2020